can you hear me now Pick-of-the-Friday

I was going to wait and let Jensen absorb her celebrity a bit before I posted my new pick--but it just can't wait. You see, I have a lot of phone calls to return today. But unfortunately, I am unable to do that due the absurd suckiness (real word) of my phone carrier. Of course, to protect this corporate giant from any form of slander, I'll let the company remain nameless. But I will say that, much to my chagrin, I signed a 2 year contract for a service that does not actually exist. I don't get reception ANYWHERE, as those of you who have suffered through those long "cut-off, re-dial, drop call, sound like a robot, try again--ok now I'm standing on a chair hanging upside down with my left arm out-can you hear me now?" conversations may know. Messages come in days later, people sound like giant attack robots speaking in alien terrorist command code, all my calls get dropped, I can't ever hear anyone, and ON and ON and ON. I live 100 feet from the freeway, and as soon as I get 70 feet from my house, I lose all reception--unless of course, when I get home, I can properly perform the upside down rain dance in the southwestern corner of my house while atop my bed--then I may be lucky enough to roam on a Sprint network.

"oh, you must live in a remote area" nameless wireless provider tells me.

"no, actually, seconds off 405" I reply.

"oh, you probably didn't update to the new service packs" they say.

"hmm, ya, actually, 3 times."

"oh, maybe you bought a cheap phone" again they flounder.

"so, you sell phones here that don't actually work--but you tell people they do, and then make them pay extra because they exceed their minutes limit because of all the dropped calls?"

"oh, uh, um, well, THAT phone is only in the 200$ range, and you need at least a 300$ one. But I'm sure its more than likely not working because you're just a careless and clumsy human and drop the phone all the time, just admit it."

clumsy, yes, dropping the phone, no. Well, unless you count throwing it across the room and stomping on it because it never works, especially on the most important phone calls. At least, that's what I'd like to do. And that's (finally) where my pick of the week comes in.......

Oh, and just for the imaginary record, say if there was going to be one ever, and you were going to boycott a wireless company and rally around me with your tales of similar woe, we'll just call this nameless service provider VERIZON! (dear verizon, you SUCK!!!)

(Interesting part begins here):

So there I am, coming out of ritzy everyone's-blond-rich-and-completely-in-control Bellevue Square Mall (let's not inquire as to what I was actually doing there), when on the other side of the glass doors I see a completely normal looking Bellevue man flailing around like a crazy person. He's yelling and cussing without taking a breath, while simultaneously kicking something around and waving his fists in the air. I stop for a moment, concerned about entering into an unsafe area where there perhaps may lurk evil spirits that posses people, or maybe a man high on crack who's about to kill me if I walk out those doors. But then I look closer, and realize he is furiously kicking around a cell phone!

"you stupid F****** mother******* thing! I hate you and your sh**** service!!!"

...and this phrase was being repeated over and over, with exciting new additions every so often, as he was actually kicking the phone around, ricocheting it off a brick wall with every forceful punt. His fists were also swinging about as feverishly as his mouth was spitting out obscenities.

It was quite possibly the single greatest thing I've ever seen. How many times have you been tempted to do that same thing to your phone? (hmm..ok, maaaaybe I speak for myself. But I know you're out there, don't pretend like you wouldn't love to do it) I cannot count on my own two hands how many times I've been tempted to throw my phone in the creek by my house, or yes, even crazily kick it into a brick wall over and over while hopping around with fists of fury, waving my arms to and fro in angry exasperation while spitting a torent of obsenities all over my fellow consumers. Or maybe do this to a verizon representative instead. But, for unknown reasons, my slight sanity has prevented me from experiencing this liberating thing.

How free he looked, just one man, one normal looking Bellevue man, taking it upon himself to resolve all of America's frustrations with cell phones with just one neverending profane sentence and several severe kicks to his own phone. Thank you. Thank you for doing what I cannot, but desperately wish I could. I salute you, crazy out-of-control man.

I wanted to shake his hand, give him a high five, or even throw in my own phone to kick around in approval--but, he was acting a bit like a psycho, so I thought it better to keep my distance and just honor him with a Pick-o-the-week!

And the most validating point about this entire story? As I quietly passed by him, I tried to peek over to see which phone was actually taking the sacrificial beating for the rest of cell phones everywhere. Turns out, it's the exact same phone I have. Damn you, Verizon, for sending a man over the edge of the cliffs of insanity.