Halloween, hoooooray

Ooh, it’s Halloween weekend. I guess being a good God fearin' lady and all, I shouldn’t say this…but…Halloween is my favorite holiday. Hooray for evil. Actually I’m in love with fall. Halloween is the pinnacle for all my favorite fall events. I’ll make pumpkin pie (already did!), overdose on sugary apple cider, pop a few mini-Twix’s, kick up a leaf pile, kick up some pumpkins, gorge on seeds, and wrap my face up in scarf suffocation. It’s fantastic, really. But I hate dressing up. My only notably cool costume was dressing as Medusa, when I had my dreads (you know, snakes for hair?). Other than that, I don’t think “girl that wears black clothes and heavy eyeliner” actually counts as anything, even though I tried to pass it off with various titles; “uh, I’m a fallen angel?” Word to everyone else that tries this year after year—it isn’t cool. Just stop, and get a real costume. (p.s.--here's a little internet quote I found --"Not sure what to be for Halloween? How about going as H-O-T?"--um, how about N-O-T?)

Though today I remembered I enjoy watching cute little kids dress up and smack each other in the face with swords and magic scepters. Today as I was leaving my tailors (note on this in a minute), I had to pass through trick or treat time at the mall—which normally would have been a horrendous crowd experience (I HATE crowds--parades, fairs, women’s basketball games….), except those kids were so damn cute. Of course all the girls were princesses (laaaammmme), but all the boys were some sort of hero—which was awesome because they all required a face mask—like Spiderman, uh, killer guy, monster dude, and the like. I really enjoyed taking a moment to just stop and watch as all the little boys ran around trying to scare people. Because their face masks made them pretty much legally blind, all they really did was run full force all over the mall crashing head on into other blind kids in masks, toppling over backwards, and taking out little old Asian couples strolling about. It was really fantastic.

And tailor, you say? Ya, everyone should have one. You know, ladies, how you spend hours trying to find perfect fitting pant, but just end up settling on ones that are somewhat affordable and will fit with a good belt and some safety pins instead? (Well, maybe that’s just me—it’s hard to find a pair of pants that fit when you have a ghetto booty and a pixie waist—Jlo, where are you when I need you?) Well how bout you skip all that torment, go buy a cute, cheap pair that doesn’t fit (like most), and then go get it perfectly fitted to your body for a mere
10$! I’m such a genius. This had made me a changed woman, let me tell you. And I recommend ever one try it. I’ll even give you a reference to my tiny Asian tailor, Miss JuHee—though beware; she likes to lecture Amazon white women about their figures while shaking her head in disapproval.

“Too tight here, too tight. Waist too big here—why you buy!? Too tight here, you eat less food, fit better! Less rice, easier to fit here!”

Keep it up, and I’ll make your face fit better.

(Maybe this has something to do with all my favorite fall activities that somehow seem candy oriented, yikes. Damn hormones. Where is post menopausal life when you need it?)