Sick and Tired

Somewhere, somehow, some doorknob, or school cafeteria table, I got it. The dreaded flu. Should have stood in line with all those old ladies this year for a shot. I never believed in those until last year. In preparation for my trip to India, my health care professional at the health depo, who looked far to much like Uncle Rico (Napoleon?), somehow convinced me it was a good idea to get a flu shot.

"Why not? You already have to get 3 shots. What's one more? Think of all that recycled plane air for your 36 hours of flying..." Stop, you had me at 4 needles in the arm.

Of course, 4 shots in one day right before you work IS a TERRIBLE idea. Especially if you know me. Just writing about shots is making me queasy right this very moment (I'm not kidding!). So, true to form, I did the verge of passing out routine, where I hold on for dear life to not pass out, preferably holding on in particular to a stainless steel sink in which my head is lying, ready for the rush of blood to the ears, going pale, waves of cold sweat drenching my body, ears ringing, eyes blurring, and other icky things that come with extreme bouts of nausea. And this lasted for about an hour, while Uncle Rico stroked my back and urged me to "hold on, don't pass out", as I'm to weak to fight him off, and Matt tells me a story ("please Matt, tell me a story so I can get my mind on other things!") about his cat getting dizzy and running into a wall and falling over, or puking, or passing out or something. I'd rather die, really.

But alas, I have not been sick this entire year, since January or something. Thank you flu shot, I enjoyed watching crowds of people suffering all year. Damn you, flu shot, for getting me dependent upon you.

Anyhow, last night, I walked in my door and exploded into the flu. I sneezed non-stop until 4 am. I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't stop sneezing. I slept until 3 today, which wasn't enough.

But part of the struggle is my mind. I don't know why, but for some reason, over the last month, I have been suffering anxiety or panic attacks related to physical stresses. Especially over breathing. Any mention of trouble breathing sends me into an attack. My throat closes up and I am unable to breath. Sometimes for hours at a time. I thought it was my usual chronic asthma for a while, but realized it was just in my head. The more I think about how ridiculous it is, the more I have it in my mind, and the more my body responds. Last night I couldn't breathe well because of sickness, and I panicked about it, causing my throat to feel tight and a wave of anxiety rushed over me as my heart rate shot up. I couldn't sleep, I just panicked for hours. I know it sounds stupid. Or like I'm letting it happen. But the more I think about it, the worse it gets. I don't know how to get over it. I've tried all the usual relaxation things. Nothing works, it just gets worse. I get these attacks almost daily now.

Anyway, writing about it was just an attempt to abolish it in catharsis. We'll see. That is why I am writing instead of sleeping, because I am afraid to try to sleep.