whiny whiny sad sad

I feel full, and I feel empty. I feel broken this week. I haven’t posted in a while. My laziness has culminated into an overwhelming busyness. My selfishness has germinated into a crop of marred relationships.

So instead of dealing with things in a wise manner, I’ll just complain; what’s new.

On Sunday, I got in a minor car wreck. Some 16 year old girl on a cell phone trying to learn to back up her mommy’s SUV hit me in a parking lot.

On Sunday, Jen Zug, whose sufferings are all too familiar, spoke about her twisted spine of stress. I thought to myself, how blessed I am that my chronic back pain has finally ceased in the last few weeks. I thought how thankful I am that my own twisted spine was almost healed, almost emptied of traces of emotional burden. I thought about my last 6 months of intense pain and intense suffering; battled anxiety and panic attacks over the chiropractic healing process. I thought how grateful I am for the waning season of malaise and affliction.

And that very same day my spine, and my ego, which perhaps are intertwined, were crushed. And so, the very next day, I found myself painfully and stiffly pacing back and forth awash in anxiety over making the call to the chiropractor, often a greater source of pain for me than the initial pain itself. I’m not sure why, really. But my last healing process sent me spiraling into a hell of anxiety attacks over the fear of all the crazy stuff they do. So there I was again, trying to deduce which decision would produce the lesser of the evils.

I called. I found a new one. And strangely, I love him. It is still a huge mental struggle for me, to go in each day, and to survey the room of apparent torture devices that will supposedly heal me. But I haven’t passed out this time—yet. And I have actually been able to gradually regain movement of my head and neck. But let me tell you, “The Scream” painting in the X-ray room sure hasn’t help ease my disquietude about the whole thing.

The flood of insurance agents surely hasn’t been easy either, and has assuredly added to my stress this week.


I finished my final today, and my class, which I was completely unprepared for. So the release I should feel from that load is mostly reversed since I’m sure I failed the final.

And I generally feel drained from inadequacy, and sin. And the weeks events, which include more but less interesting circumstances. And the ravine standing between Matt and me as we lose needed sleep over turning it into a canyon.

And the problem is, the worse I feel, the more I procrastinate about every damn thing in my life, which certainly helps, well…nothing. Better luck next time, sweetheart.