A long dissertation on my personal Australian stereotypes

So I figured with such a growing number of Australian readers these days, I might as well address them.  Having “blog buddies” is really an interesting enough concept in and of itself.  I mean, having all these strangers read some kind of personal diary seems an odd concept, really.  But no, everyone’s doing it these days--I myself no stranger to these strangers.  

Somebody once told me that, when questioned what they thought Americans to be like, the Japanese replied “They all wear 10 gallon cowboy hats and ride everywhere on horses.”   I had a good laugh at that thought, and some contemplation about whether perhaps it was a good American idea to purchase a large cowboy hat (thank goodness I decided that was the worst idea I’ve ever had, except in extreme Electric Slide situations).  But then I realized my stereotypical generalizations of far away lands are probably somewhat similar.

I mean, I’m sure I don’t honestly believe that the Japanese shuffle around in wood blocks for shoes while wearing oversized kimono’s and eating nothing but rice while killing each other off with giant swords, but I must admit, that idea has crossed my mind on occasion.  I fear that perhaps I have similarly bad stereotypes of Australians.  So I was inspired (by the animal planet commentary) to, for the sake of my far off readership, discuss my thoughts, ahem, assumptions, about Australians.

My idea’s about Australians, and the parties responsible for it:

1. Australia is upside down.  You can barely even see it on the map.  How do they hang on?

2.  Australia is a vast dessert wasteland.  When you look out across it, you see miles and miles of golden dirt, dotted by a few Eucalyptus trees, and maybe a couple of hills.  There are long dirt roads, with hundreds of kangaroos just a hopping alongside these roads, always with babies in pouch.  They are usually hopping past a bunch of Koala’s munching on leaves, who possibly know how to talk, and have a whole social network going on out there in the dessert.  Every 100 miles or so you see a rickety wooden shack, all boarded up.  These are bars.

3.  Outside these bars you will find an array of open topped “outback” jeeps parked all askew.  Perhaps an old fan can be seen whirring away near the door, blowing into the patrons.  

4.  The entire population (which all live at these bars) are all a bunch of criminal outcasts.

5.  Inside these bars the criminals all hang out, drinking giant cans of Fosters beer.  After all, “Fosters is Australian for beer”.  Between swigs, they say things like “g’day, mate”, “crickey”, and “put another shrimp on the barbie” in crazy accents.  They are all dressed in tan shorts, tan, short sleeved, button down shirts, hiking boots, and large, tan, hats with little strings to tighten them down on there necks when they are riding in their jeeps.  Many also adorn themselves with necklaces boasting parts of their last outback hunting expedition.  They all carry giant knives in their pockets.

6.  When they get bored or drinking Fosters, they go outside in the hot sun for a fantastic game of boomerang.  Or snake chasing.  They toss the boomerangs and snakes around for hours.  Until the real criminals spoil their good time.

7.  This is when the wild, crazy criminals show up.  They are all dressed like Mad Max.  Though they all look like Heath Ledger.  They wave gun’s around, and tell the animal planet types to go back to the only city in all of Australia; Sydney.  So the all jump in their jeeps and head back.

8.   In Sydney there is some big arch thing they all hang out at.  Here they go to fancy plays.  Hanging out under the arch thing with them are a bunch of hippies with long dreadlocks.  They also say things like “g’day mate” back and forth to each other.

9.  They all have an awful sense of humor.  They laugh about things that make no sense.

10.  And most of them really like ballroom dancing, and have horrible fashion etiquette when they’re not wearing tan colors.  The ladies instead will bust out with really dark tans and orange lipstick, and something stretchy and sparkly, in neon.


For these thoughts I would like to thank:

David the Koala cartoon, my first grade teacher, Nickelodeon, The Rescuers Down Under, Mad Max, The Outback Steakhouse, Crocodile Dundee, Captain Kangaroo, the Jeep company, the flat map of the world, Foster’s Beer commercials, Silver Chair (the band), the Mm-bop song, The Brits, those 8 Australian exchange students at my junior high, Animal Planet, some weird show with a bunch of crazy 12 year old Aussies with a leader that looks just like Heath Ledger trying to look like Mad Max, Heath Ledger, a picture I saw in a book once when I was 10 of Sydney advertising “Madame Butterfly” (to which a certain 10 year old named Paul Mankin tattled on me for saying “ ma-DAMN” and I had to put my head down for 10 minutes of library time, jerk), all the Australian hippies I traveled with during my summer in Europe, Muriel’s Wedding (the movie), and finally, Strictly Ballroom (the movie).

Please enjoy, mates.