She's back; an exclusive and exhaustive first hand interview

Hey there, I'm Ryan Seacrest, and I'm here tonight for an intimate interview with famous blogger-gone-missing, Heartichoke, who's just been located on the radar after nearly a month of a static blog! With a recently rumored return on the horizon, she's agreed to sit down with me and answer some hard hitting questions to get to the bottom of this mysterious disappearance from the "blogosphere". Tonight, I'm taking you along with me on this voyeuristic voyage to get to the bottom of what some said was the demise of an empire.

Ryan Seacrest: Heartichoke, I've got to say, you look fantastic tonight. Did you wash your hair finally?

Heartichoke: Oh Ryan, stop your flattery. No, I haven't washed it recently, but I was thinking of shaving my legs again. Thank you for the compliment.

RS: I can understand that, after going into a brief hermitage myself once, that sometimes those things like shaving your legs can seem really unimportant. But let's get to that later. Right now I've got to know, for the sake of all our readers; where have you been!?

H: Well, Ryan, let's put it this way--I got incredibly busy leading up to the grand opening of the cafe in September. I actually went something like a week straight without sleep. Some might say that was due to procrastination, but I like to call it "works well toward deadlines". You know, as exciting as it was, it was totally exhausting. The first few weeks were also pretty rough, trying to keep everything going, and overcoming the hurdles of such a new venture, all the while working another new job. You know, and I just got tired, or worn out. And sometimes when my brain goes on ovetime like that, especially with the absence of sleep, my head just sort of burns out, and I become a zombie, unable to think, or really do much of anything, you know? I spent a lot of time watching TV in my pajamas, eating a lot of Ben and Jerry's when I should be sleeping. But what really helped me, Ryan, now I've got to be honest, was watching your shows. You are really an incredible interviewer. You're not afraid to really dig deep with the Hollywood stars, and get past all the superficiality. I mean, it must be rough talking to all those beautiful people all day. But watching your get through it, with such and incredible rawness and strength, not to mention keeping me up to date all all my star news such as Brittany and K-Fed's new baby problems (not to mention that little weight issue, nudge nudge), the deterioration of Jessica Simpson (totalllly fallen from grace--stay off my spirit 105.3), and the trials and tribulations of Brangelina (a bump or a break-up?), you know, somehow I dug deep and found some serious motivation to finally get the hell off the couch.

RS: Well thank you very much Heart, I mean that. But flattery aside, what I think we all really want to know, given that last post you wrote is---were you depressed? Does depression play any role in a months worth of exhaustion? What about loneliness? I mean, we all know that nobody in Hollywood could stand a day of singleness, so it must get reaallllly lonely after 5 months of it! I mean, what do you do with yourself! How depressing being all alone! Could you speak a little bit to this serious issue?


H: Well, I mean, honestly, yes. I do struggle with that from time to time, season to season on somewhat of a consistent basis. With age and spiritual maturity I've learned to deal with it much better, but it still plays a role. But it's really sort of a chicken and egg issue, meaning, does lack of sleep and exhaustion cause depression, or does depression cause feelings of exhaustion, low motivation, sleeplessness, and the inability to tear myself away from bad celeb reality shows? It's hard to say really. And loneliness, well, ya, sometimes. It is pretty difficult having an incredible best friend by your side for over 2 years, hearing those wedding bells, and then suddenly being alone. But you know, it's really for the right reasons, and the best reasons. I'm totally embracing this time, and feel like its so valuable. I'm learning a lot, and getting a chance to remember me as uniquely me. I get to spend a lot of time doing things only I could enjoy, like watching a lot of your shows. No no, I'm kidding! But as difficult as this time has been, I know it's totally the right thing, and I am enjoying learning and exploring through it. Though I think sometimes people forget--a break-up of this magnitude is a daily struggle. It's a process, and not one day goes by where it doesn't affect you in some way. In new ways, I'm struggling through this every single day--and sometimes it affects your mood, your energy, or your depression--positively and negatively.

RS: Hmm, so sad, so sad. This really reminds me of Jessica Simpson right now. But unlike Jessica, I think there might be a light at the end of this tunnel. Hang in there, kid!

H: Thanks, Ryan, thanks. I really do feel like my body is recuperating and finally starting to come out of the darkness a bit, so I have pretty high hopes. Maybe it's just the tantalizing thought of a little gift I received of a plane ticket to visit some of my best friends in Chicago for Thanksgiving!

RS: Ooh, fun fun. Wouldn't catch me dead out in the snow for the holidays! Do they even have a spray tan machine way out there in the midwest?! But enough of me. What we really want to know is: why did you stop blogging? I mean, don't you find it sort of cathartic?

H: Well, ya, I find it really cathartic. I mean, I started blogging to share photos with my friends and families, and to have a way to daily let letting out some moderate creativity. I mean, I have to have a place to let loose all of the crazy lady conversations I have in my head (or, out loud sometimes). But one negative of this is that you're always making up great blogs in your head over every little thing. I mean, it can really be a trap sometimes! Who spends all of their time just standing in the shower writing great blogs in their head about the benefits of showers over baths (baths? What the hell? You lie in a pool of your own filth, stand up, pull the plug, and declare yourself clean? sick.) But there are probably a few other reasons I quit. It really takes up a lot of time. Time, that when you're super busy, really needs to be spent on things like...Sleeping. Declaring to the world that baths are ridiculous can wait. But really, how can laying your head down against some cold, hard, mildewing tile really be considered relaxing?

RS: Heartichoke, tell me you're not really saying you hate people that take baths! But furthermore, tell me you're not saying blogging is a waste of time! You may have just lost all of your readership if you haven't already!


H: Ryan, I'm sorry, I do stand firm on the bath thing! (laughs) Blogging, a waste of time? Nooo.

RS: Heart, this is the future! Blogging is the future! Hello! Just like Paris Hilton, everyone is doing it!

H: Ryan, blogging is becoming a little passe you know. Even you have a t-shirt making fun of it.

RS: But think of all the fans you're letting down who want--strike that--NEED to know your opinion of things like the benefits of a shower over a bath. I mean, this is important stuff. You're practically a genius, and people need to know this--they need to know about your daily private life!

H: well, that's another reason, really. I kind of got weirded out having people that I don't really know come up to me and tell me their opinions on what they think I should do about my totally personal situations.

RS: Uh, hello Heartichoke--weren't you the one that published that personal stuff? Anything you write and put on the internet is fair game for all.

H: True. But still, it doesn't give them a right to judge me or tell me what to do.

RS: are you sure? Is it your right to blog whatever?

H: Oh ya, I can totally put whatever I want on there and expect to never be criticized or responded to. I mean, everyone who post stuff on the internet can expect that, right?

RS: Is it all criticism?

H: No, no. There were people who were totally supportive, positive, and complimentary. That's been great. I mean, for dealing with the phenomenon of knowing and sharing personal intimate details with anyone. Especially when you sit next to them in church. It's like having a virtual relationship! I'm getting good at it, I think I should try internet dating.

RS: Do you think maybe you're just going through the normal blogger identity crisis of "what am I doing with this blog? Why do I blog? Funny or serious? Intimate, or arms length? Panic! I should just quit blogging!" Do you think that may be happening to you?

H: No, definitely not. I think I already went through that difficult personal crisis a while ago, and feel pretty confidant in my blog just being whatever. I don't need no theme. I'm that awesome.

RS: What do you see on the horizon for this blog? Have you thought about a Vlog?

H: Ya, someday I'd really like to get a video camera--but they're just not ready for me yet.


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This interview was suddenly terminated due to sleepiness. This interview will air soon on your local celeb gossip station soon. Keep checking in for updates.